So yesterday before bed I was laying there talking with the J-Man and I was doing what I usually do: breaking down all of my requests into concise form. Its a nice habit I think, it helps me more than it helps the J-Man obviously considering he knows what I'm going to ask before I ask it. However it allows me to understand myself alot better, rather than simply understanding that I want something I have a greater understanding of the reasons I want that something to begin with.
The first thing that struck me was that none of my requests mattered, that in fact I had asked for all of those things multiple times and the J-Man had not misplaced them or forgotten about them (another lesson in understanding that he works on his own timetable, not on mine). More to the point I wondered what I should be asking him and the words "What do you want me to do?" came out (before that I had thought about saying "What do you need me to do?" but realized that he doesn't "need" anything from me). I had asked that quite a few times before, this certainly wasn't the first or the last time. But for some reason they seemed to hold more value this time around, I guess its like telling someone you love them simply out of habit and telling someone you love them just before one of you dies. The telling comes from some deep seated part of you and it conveys so much more through the words. It felt like this time I had really meant it, had really wanted to know this time around. He of course obliged, not simply answering me with words but in an odd sort of way (which for him is pretty normal).
I began to wonder what it would be like if he was a physical being, if our relationship was built on physical pretenses. I imagined calling up my friends to play some poker and calling up the J-Man to join us, or playing Catan with Shadraq and the J-Man and whoever else we could get a hold of. Then I made the connection, even though I find that my relationship with him has so far diverged from what anyone would call "normal" I still put religious constraints on it. I'm still using a religious measure to try to figure out if our relationship is "good"or if we are "moving forward". I think its a realization that in the end he asked us to love him. He never asked us to "make it work" he didn't ask us to "grow up" or keep some sort of tab on our relationship so he would know were we where. Seek and you shall find, knock and the door shall be opened, the only thing required of us in those statements is that we show up. He wants us to call him up, to set aside time for him. Time and effort on our part is all hes looking for, which is weird to think about. I imagine that in heaven the only record keeping that he does as far as measuring his success with us is keeping a record of the time we commit to him, and I'm not talking about the religious type of commitment where you spend 4 hours in intercession. I mean just sitting there thinking about him, or shooting the breeze telling him how your day was.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Wednesday, January 2, 2008
Grab Bag
So here it is 2 hours to go before my first day of class of the new school year. I'm sitting in the computer lab bored out of my skull, so I figured I'd write something.
Before you ask I didn't do much for new years, I spent the night playing video games online and drinking beer (in case you where wondering it was Pacifico with lime, thank you Shadraq for showing me some good mexican beer). The new years past me by without me taking much time to really "celebrate" it. No new years resolution, no fireworks, no spending time with people (unless you count the fact that I was playing with a friend of mine over the internet), my parents where in yakima and I was home alone. Now before you go making comments to my parents this is not a "woe is me" post. Some small part of me I guess wishes things could have been different. However the rest of me realizes that whether I spent that night with family or friends or not really has little bearing on anything. I wonder why it is that we put so much stock in certain days, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Birthdays. We pin them down as "Family Days" as if spending time with people on those specific days somehow makes the time spent together sweeter or something. I think we should learn to value the time spent with others period, instead of only valuing the time that we spend with others on holidays or birthdays. Besides I thoroughly enjoyed drinking beer and playing video games.
But its another year of school and I'm still in the same place I was when I graduated high school, I seem to have little to no direction at the moment. I've commited myself to getting a degree in Biology, less out of any sort of affinity to the idea of working in that field and more because I found that I was good at it and there is considerably less Math involved with that field than there is with Computer Science. I'm trying hard to not live in the past and wonder why I didn't do this, or didn't do that why I didn't plan my life better so that I wouldn't have to be in the position I'm in. Its proving rather difficult to do, I guess I can just get in class study hard and hope that the Great Divine will help me finish up this year. If the classes I need to take fall within the correct quarters I can be done by the end of this year (meaning I would be able to move onto WSU and get out of CBC finally). Its interesting how much school makes me think about the Great Divine, its not as if I don't talk to him all the time. However there is difference between routinely talking to someone and thorougly focusing on someone when you talk to them. I think its the difference between hearing someone and really listening to them. Women must have some sort of sixth sense that allows them to distinguish between these two states, as I have heard many a woman tell someone that they weren't "listening" to them talk. When, from what I can tell, there was no way anyone could have not heard what they were saying. Anyways, I find that school makes me "focus" on Him alot more. I think its because I realize and understand that one of my biggest flaws is in my follow thru. I never really had any to begin with so I really need help where that is concerned. The quarters I did well in where made possible by him not me.
I've got another hour and five minutes to go and I'm really compounding quite a bit of thinking into one post, I haven't written much thanks to the fact that I think the last post was the best thing I've written so far, period. Mostly because of what that revelation means to me. Thats neither here nor there though. I saw a quote somewhere (can't remember where) that said "As I get older I'm trying to listen to people more and stop accusing them of things." I doubt thats the EXACT quote so if you know who said it or what the EXACT quote was by all means correct me, I won't like it but at least it will be right. Anyways, the gist of what he was talking about is still there. It caught my attention and I thought it bore repeating.
Lastly, I got a fortune cookie a few days ago that said, "you will develop a new relationship next month" do you think He speaks through fortune cookies?
Before you ask I didn't do much for new years, I spent the night playing video games online and drinking beer (in case you where wondering it was Pacifico with lime, thank you Shadraq for showing me some good mexican beer). The new years past me by without me taking much time to really "celebrate" it. No new years resolution, no fireworks, no spending time with people (unless you count the fact that I was playing with a friend of mine over the internet), my parents where in yakima and I was home alone. Now before you go making comments to my parents this is not a "woe is me" post. Some small part of me I guess wishes things could have been different. However the rest of me realizes that whether I spent that night with family or friends or not really has little bearing on anything. I wonder why it is that we put so much stock in certain days, Christmas, Thanksgiving, New Years, Birthdays. We pin them down as "Family Days" as if spending time with people on those specific days somehow makes the time spent together sweeter or something. I think we should learn to value the time spent with others period, instead of only valuing the time that we spend with others on holidays or birthdays. Besides I thoroughly enjoyed drinking beer and playing video games.
But its another year of school and I'm still in the same place I was when I graduated high school, I seem to have little to no direction at the moment. I've commited myself to getting a degree in Biology, less out of any sort of affinity to the idea of working in that field and more because I found that I was good at it and there is considerably less Math involved with that field than there is with Computer Science. I'm trying hard to not live in the past and wonder why I didn't do this, or didn't do that why I didn't plan my life better so that I wouldn't have to be in the position I'm in. Its proving rather difficult to do, I guess I can just get in class study hard and hope that the Great Divine will help me finish up this year. If the classes I need to take fall within the correct quarters I can be done by the end of this year (meaning I would be able to move onto WSU and get out of CBC finally). Its interesting how much school makes me think about the Great Divine, its not as if I don't talk to him all the time. However there is difference between routinely talking to someone and thorougly focusing on someone when you talk to them. I think its the difference between hearing someone and really listening to them. Women must have some sort of sixth sense that allows them to distinguish between these two states, as I have heard many a woman tell someone that they weren't "listening" to them talk. When, from what I can tell, there was no way anyone could have not heard what they were saying. Anyways, I find that school makes me "focus" on Him alot more. I think its because I realize and understand that one of my biggest flaws is in my follow thru. I never really had any to begin with so I really need help where that is concerned. The quarters I did well in where made possible by him not me.
I've got another hour and five minutes to go and I'm really compounding quite a bit of thinking into one post, I haven't written much thanks to the fact that I think the last post was the best thing I've written so far, period. Mostly because of what that revelation means to me. Thats neither here nor there though. I saw a quote somewhere (can't remember where) that said "As I get older I'm trying to listen to people more and stop accusing them of things." I doubt thats the EXACT quote so if you know who said it or what the EXACT quote was by all means correct me, I won't like it but at least it will be right. Anyways, the gist of what he was talking about is still there. It caught my attention and I thought it bore repeating.
Lastly, I got a fortune cookie a few days ago that said, "you will develop a new relationship next month" do you think He speaks through fortune cookies?
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